We can't have it all.
I'm not even trying
A few evenings ago it was 8.30pm, the kids were both asleep and my husband and I were sat in the kitchen working on our laptops.
Not a rare occurrence, as many households with two working parents will know.
I was meant to be writing a client newsletter and prepping for the next day’s meetings and instead I was writing and rewriting a LinkedIn comment on a post I’d seen by the CEO of a popular tech company.
The post was him saying about how becoming a parent had made him a better leader (I agree), that it’s made him more focused and able to prioritise better because he has less time available (I concur), and finally - and I quote -
“You can be a parent with young kids and have a ton of ambition, achieve a lot and still be a great, present parent and partner too. I'm still figuring it out, but I'm confident it's not only possible but the way to have a fulfilling life and a significant impact.”
This I have a problem with.
As I explained in my response, most, if not all, of the male CEOs I have worked with have had a partner at home who takes care of most of the childcare, and usually all of the mental labour involving parenting.
Which means that while it is totally possible to be a parent (male or female) and have ambition/be successful, this is usually far easier if you have that kind of backing at home. And so this CEO’s experience isn't usually the experience women have as parents and saying “we can be great, fulfilled parents, and achieve everything in our careers” is only true to half of the population.
Now I can count on one hand the amount of time I actually respond to people like this. Especially someone I admire! And I do admire this person, I’ve followed his company’s journey for more than 10 years.
But I felt drawn to respond because I really believe that the "you can have it all" narrative has had a real detrimental effect in the last decade - mostly on women.
The Lean In messaging that we could have a full career while also raising children so long as we tried hard enough was probably needed at the time. To shift women into seeing more for themselves than just a sole option of homemaker.
But like all zeitgeists, it then went too far.
Trying to have it all is why I believe so many women around me are drowning and even if they’re not drowning, they’re usually feeling endless guilt for not being able to do it all.
The truth is, you can’t.
By which I mean that it is my belief that you cannot have it all (and by “all” I do mean the traditional, heteronormal sense of a fulfilled career, a great relationship/social life and children).
In today’s world many families have two working parents who may share the responsibilities somewhat but there is usually still a default parent. The person who doesn’t work if the child gets hand foot and mouth (rite of passage) and can’t go to nursery for a week. In most cases, that person is the woman.
Even if you are a family where both parents are able to work full-steam in a career, the child usually then ends up in nursery or other childcare arrangements a lot. Which isn’t a bad thing but just shows that with every option there is some sacrifice.
For every time we say yes, we are also saying no.
This is true in life, but even more so as parents.
I personally do not, and haven’t really had, a great social life since my children were born. We used to be the ones known as being great hosts, I would have weekly dinners with my best friends and I went to every party/baby shower/celebration.
Now I simply cannot. My energy is given to my family first, and my work second. After both of those things there is not enough else to go around.
On the flip side, we are often quoted statistics that while mothers face the “motherhood penalty” that comes after maternity leave, fathers actually get an increase in status/salary once they become fathers.
Is this still true today? I question it. My husband does the nursery pick-up at least once a week and has commented that it’s often all fathers, something that would never have happened 10 years ago.
It’s wonderful that the parental responsibilities are becoming more shared in households where both parents are working, BUT I can’t imagine this isn’t having any affect on fathers when it comes to their work as well.
I often consider that life must have been at least a little bit easier when we had defined gender roles and weren’t all trying to do it all.
So yes, while I believe you can have ambition and be a parent, I also believe that for many women there is a ceiling that hovers over this ambition - that the author of that post isn’t (and probably doesn’t need to) acknowledge. For him, the roof is likely wide open.
Can you relate? I would love to hear your experiences with this - tell me I’m wrong if needed. It’s a big subject!
Yours,
Beth
Couple of lovely links 💙
Is it game over for SEO? A fantastic summary and read of the impact and changes the current AI landscape is bringing.
LinkedIn has released its first Skills on the Rise report, stating the 15 “fastest-growing” skills currently in the UK. Not surprised to see AI literacy or LLM utilisation on there, but “relationship building” as #1 was quite the surprise in this age of faceless relationships. I actually couldn’t find where the report stems from i.e. data or opinion but it’s worth considering which skills you place your money on for the year(s) ahead.
Friend of the newsletter Simon Kemp and the team at Data Reportal have released their annual Digital Global Overview report. ChatGTP is now the 9th most visited website in the world, time spent online has increased slightly and traditional TV remains surprisingly popular. I usually pull out far more insights but I don’t have the energy friends 😄 so please enjoy the 640 slides at your leisure as there always is so much to be gained from these reports for anyone working in digital.
Thank you for reading 💫
I’m Beth, freelance marketer supporting startups and ambitious businesses with plans for growth using content, customer marketing and community building tactics.
Want to hire me?
I’m full with client projects right now BUT I am available for group workshops where I design, research and present a topic that will help you to get ahead in your field. Three workshops I’ve run recently are How to use SEO and data to make better PR pitches, The impact of AI on traditional SEO playbooks and Instagram Growth Strategy: Tactics for 100k Followers.